How does one feel when they realize that irreversible change will happen at the push of a button?⠀
Social media is a distortion of reality. The pages are full of joy and beauty, but in fact most of life hidden behind the pretty pictures is fear, doom and routine.⠀
Sometimes you just have an urge to send it all to hell…..⠀
But what about the burden of responsibility? Wishing for a better life for yourself and your children? Someday. Not now, but someday. Perhaps, if I work hard, it will become a reality.⠀
Happiness and prosperity will occur, but not today.⠀
Today I’ll pay the bills. I’ll buy groceries. I’ll save for a rainy day. I’ll end up with a dime to treat myself, if conscience permits.⠀
But it won’t.⠀
All that remains is to comfort myself on social networks, where I’ve been rich and successful for a while already. And occasionally quietly daydream.⠀
Like a journey….⠀
The website of flight aggregators has an order form. Normally, the last step is to enter your credit card details and confirm the order.⠀
And this is the last button you need to click. Once you do that, the ticket will come to your email.⠀
A few years ago, I used to “have fun” by opening such pages, placing orders and moving the pointer to the “CONFIRM” button.
Just one click, and you’re there!
But there was always something stopping me from that click. Back then, I thought it was some kind of nonsense. After all, I didn’t need to go anywhere.
Also, I felt happy with where I was!
Indeed, there was nowhere to go. But deep inside, I wasn’t well at all. I actually envied those who made such a click, realizing the point of that action.
When you have to fly or go on a planned vacation or business trip, it’s easy to make such a click. But when it comes to changes, it’s a very hard click to make.
I’ve been writing calculations. I was making plans. Tried to get my life to the point where I needed to go somewhere. But in the end, I convinced myself not to, day after day, justifying myself by saying I had nowhere to go.
However, underneath it all, I realized that there could be a very important change behind that click. Perhaps, there was happiness. Or maybe sorrow. Or both.⠀
But what I liked best was the feeling I got when I lingered my finger over the mouse.
That was usually fear. I would be like, “I’m just going to click without thinking,” and then I’d move my hand away from the mouse. But then came the day when the terrible thing happened. ⠀
“Love will strike by chance,” the old man Utesov used to sing. But despite his opinion, that evening was by no means “marvelously good”. No songs were being sung.
There was a table with nothing but a laptop on it. And there was a form on the laptop screen. But it wasn’t a ticket order.
It was a letter I had written to the woman I loved. We had already known each other for some time and there seemed to be more than business and friendship between us.
The very first letter. That night I sat down at that desk, opened that laptop, and in a foggy haze I wrote about my feelings.
I wrote things I never thought I’d send. I mean, the decision had already been made!⠀
In that letter I wrote about the feelings only. With no circumstances. No address. No subject. No name mentioned.
I just wrote that letter and disconnected from the emotions overflowing me.
⠀
–
A moment later, I woke up sitting at the same desk, but as a different person. My thoughts and feelings were clear and bright. My head was humming. Fear was shaking my bones.
⠀
For some reason, the letter had a subject line, an e-mail address, and the name of the beloved was included everywhere.
And my signature.
⠀
The pointer was already aimed at the “send” button. My sweaty palm was squeezing the mouse tight like the handle of a gun brought to a temple. That was the end!⠀
– Goodbye, little head of mine! Everything I’ve been building for almost fifteen years, family, relationships, household and work, my whole life will no longer exist. – Shouldn’t I? – Fire…
– No! It’s just fun, it can’t be serious! I’ll fool around a little and it’ll be okay.
– Fire…
⠀
My hand trembled. It turned out to be real. For the first time in my life, my feelings were real. Reality had reached me.⠀
– There was a “fire” command…
– Maybe we should be prudent and not just trust feelings over what seems clear to the cold mind. Maybe I should rewind everything, forget about the crush, and choose to remain a loyal husband, a model father, and finally a good man?
– Fire…
– No!
– There’s a whole world open for you. Countries you won’t visit, books you won’t write, children you’ll give birth to with a woman you don’t love, duty and obedience, that’s what awaits you!
– Now throw your doubts away and act. Now.
– Shoot.
– No!
– Be yourself! Be rebellious!
–
Shoot.
– There’ll be no gifts from fate! It’s up to you! Shoot!
– You have doubts? Do it! Scared? Do it!
– Just do it!
– What are you afraid of, death?
– Shoot!
– The dead don’t fear death! Shoot!
– Get better!
– Fire! Go!
⠀
Click…
The letter floated to the web.
My spirit flew to the sky. Problems flew to their solution. Two years flew into the living.
Past life flew into the past. Gossips and fights flew into memories. Guilt and shame flew into confession. And we, having our loaded backpacks over our shoulders, finally accepted the invitation to step through the open gates of the world. And, embracing each other, we flew off on our journey.
And that was where I realized that it was the exact same click that had been keeping me away from happiness.
I didn’t have to wait long for a positive reply. Everything was already clear! ⠀
The reply letter contained an explanation of why I had been playing the part of a good person for that long trying to seem instead of being.
Happiness began to happen on its own when I was ready to let in. But it only became possible to sense and recognize it not until I made that one click.